ISSUE No. 21
You can feel it happening.
A conversation starts getting heated. The other person pushes harder, and you feel yourself wanting to push right back. You have a point to make, and you're determined to make it.
I've been there.
Over the years, I've learned that matching someone's intensity rarely helps either person hear the other. These days, I'm more inclined to ask a question or let a few seconds of silence give the conversation room to breathe.
But silence has its own risk. Silence isn't always wisdom. Sometimes it's avoidance.
The challenge is learning to lower the temperature without lowering the standard.
And sometimes the difference comes down to just a few seconds.
It's football season. Think about how much preparation goes into a play that lasts roughly six seconds. Coaches study film. Players practice the same movements repeatedly. They prepare for situations they hope to recognize when the ball is snapped.
They don't wait for the play to begin before deciding how they want to respond.
Yet in our relationships, we often do exactly that.
We enter a difficult conversation hoping we'll handle it well, only to fall back on a response we've never practiced changing.
For some of us, that's pushing harder. For others, it's retreating, going quiet, or agreeing simply to end the discomfort.
We recognize the pattern afterward. We tell ourselves we'll do better next time. But when the next moment arrives, we find ourselves doing what we've always done.
Psychologist Peter Gollwitzer has studied something called implementation intentions. His research suggests that making a specific plan for how we'll respond to a situation increases the likelihood that we'll follow through when it happens.
It's a simple approach: When this happens, I'll do that.
For someone who tends to push harder when a conversation becomes emotional:
When I feel myself becoming defensive, I'll slow down and ask a question before making my next point.
For someone who tends to withdraw:
When I feel myself shutting down, I'll ask for a moment to collect my thoughts and then return to the conversation.
And for someone who finds themselves agreeing just to end the discomfort:
When I feel pressured to agree, I'll explain what I still see differently.
We can practice those responses before the moment arrives.
I've spent enough years leading people, and 30 years of marriage has certainly taught me, that relationships aren't shaped only by the big decisions we make. They're influenced by the small moments that come and go every day.
A response. A question. A few seconds of patience when we'd rather push our point.
Some of those moments bring us closer. Others create distance that takes much longer to repair.
We can't go back and change the ones we've already lived.
The next six seconds haven't happened yet. And I can practice for those.
This Week's Field Tool
Think about a recent conversation that didn't go the way you hoped.
What happened just before you reacted? What was your familiar response?
Now finish this sentence:
The next time ______ happens, I will ______.
Be specific. Then practice it before you need it.
Onward,
Jason